Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
When I snag the last meatball.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire