I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Just me?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?