My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
cause of death:
autopsy.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.