If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
How it started How it’s going
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.