Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east