Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
You Might Also Like
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Labreador
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.