I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
U talkin 2 me?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
figuring out my emotional availability:
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.