Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
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Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this