Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out