My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.