them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]