The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.