Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
my favorite genre of twitter
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time