Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Practicing safe sax
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube