@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

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@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

@comer310

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

@BenOnus_Kenobus

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

@riot4rach

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

@jessokfine

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

@bourgeoisalien

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair