@MattRundle ’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
@Petote BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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@MattRundle 
@LeBearGirdle Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
@comer310 Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
@BenOnus_Kenobus I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
@MichaelJErhart “I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
@riot4rach Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
@jessokfine How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
@rickygervais Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
@bourgeoisalien The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
@pete46and2 Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.