[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*