The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
There’s only one good girl here!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me, in DM rooms…
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Netflix and you sit over there.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.