*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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Breaking news:
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.