I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.