my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
December birthdays be like…
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.