Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.