At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
When the stylist spins you back around
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!