Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”