Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees