what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad