what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
