If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble