You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I鈥檓 not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Told the kids it鈥檚 gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I鈥檝e been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he鈥檚 been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I鈥檓 at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I鈥檓 wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 馃槀
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn鈥檛, it鈥檚 shaped like an Italian car, didn鈥檛 you read my name?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I鈥檓 afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.