school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
You Might Also Like
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Stop it! 😂
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink