Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
So we got a goldfish…
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.