Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.