You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
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a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.