Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
uh oh
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”