Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?