If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.