My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Meow
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
wishing you and yours all the best
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.