an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me sliding into hell like
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*looks at you in batman voice*
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts