“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite