Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
three things we don’t talk about
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms