Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
couldn’t resist
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
a public service announcement
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.