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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.