“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart