Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.