Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.