a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end