I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You Might Also Like
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
very niche meme I made
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.