I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Proctology is located in A55
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
my name if I was in the mob
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*