When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
the three genders
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
bro what is going on at twitter
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”