When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
