Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.