Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.