Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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new wife guy just dropped
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.